Tag Archive | Relationships

YoungBoy

Ok I admit, I didn’t even know who YoungBoy was prior to all the shenanigans when the story broke about his girlfriend. If you have been missing out on your social media updates, the feeds were full of updates regarding him allegedly forcing his girlfriend to sleep in a hotel lobby while he entertained other women in his hotel room. Of course, someone took pictures of her and posted them online, but she further fueled the fire by making videos trying to say everyone was blowing it out of proportion. Later more photos surfaced of him taking her shopping to make it up to her.

Everyone is in a tizzy about this, but lets look at it realistically.

• First, she is only 17 so perhaps she just does not have the maturity yet to fully know her worth. Let’s be honest, there are grown women who have accepted some of the same treatment if not more for years.

• We are not in their relationship, perhaps they had a clear understanding from the very beginning that there would be some type of open door policy.

• In her mind, this may be all she thinks she deserves. Or worse, she may see it as a sign of someone who really loves her.

Now on some grown woman ish, lets be brutally honest. How many of us know grown women who accept being disrespected on the regular?? This is not some weird thing that only happens when a man is a celebrity. We have all been there – perhaps not to this degree – but we were probably fortunate enough to have friends, family or dang strangers ready to shake some sense into us.

In that light, perhaps instead of bashing her, we should pray for her. Hopefully someone close to her can be there for her when she really concludes she deserves better. But as women, we have got to stop bashing and start supporting and guiding the younger generation into the type of women they truly have the capability to be.

Putting Aside the Fear

There is just something about starting over that can scare the living daylights out of you sometimes. Each and every time a relationship ends I have a tendency of questioning myself and trying to figure out where I went wrong. What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? In the end I start to worry that I will never find the right guy. For a brief moment I always question why I keep trying and I debate giving up.

Of course time passes, I meet someone and I decide to try again. The problem is that each and every time that happens there is this split between enjoying what is happening and being afraid of opening up and possibly getting hurt again. One minute I can be sincerely enjoying the experience from getting to know someone to potentially falling in love and all the steps in between.

That fear normally ends up taking over and impacting things to some degree. The problem with letting the fear take up too much of your mind space is that it causes things like insecurities, mistrust and unnecessary arguments. Because you are afraid of being hurt, you have a tendency to put that type of negativity out there. Everything suddenly becomes assumptions of someone doing you wrong eventually. Cheating on you, lying to you or just plain leaving you.

The problem with that type of fear and negative thinking is that you are putting out into the universe the exact opposite of the outcome you really desire. Not to mention the potential chance you take of pushing someone away with all your expectations of things not working out. So here is to taking a chance, opening myself up and letting go of the fear and negative thinking. I may get hurt, I may not. But if I do, I already know I’m perfectly capable of surviving and moving forward. On the other hand, it could just be the best decision I ever made.

                                               

Selling Yourself Short

How many times do you start the conversation off by putting yourself down? Telling someone new everything that you perceive to be wrong with you? Or perhaps you spend a lot of time explaining what went wrong in all your past relationships. Either way, it’s a bad start. The idea of dating, whether you like it or not, is about selling yourself. Showing someone how great you are and why they should be dying to get to know more about you. Wasting a lot of time degrading yourself completely defeats the ultimate goal. Don’t ever sell yourself short. If you have things about yourself that you don’t like, fix it! But don’t dwell on it or let it keep you from enjoying life!

Give Your Ex a Thank You!

You read it correctly, I really asked you to tell your ex Thank You. Call them up, send them a text, drop an email, thank them for treating you poorly, cheating, not being honest etc. Sound crazy? Not really. Think about it, you went through hell with that person, perhaps you dated a woman who never had time for you, preferred hanging in the club to taking care of her man. Or perhaps you are a woman who had to deal with someone who wanted to hang with his boys or lay on your couch all day, failing to give you the time or attention you needed. Thank them anyway.

Thank them for teaching you what you will not allow, for teaching you how you want and deserve to be treated. Of course the key is that you have learned from the experience and you are making changes in the type of people you allow in your life next time. Besides, having experienced someone who treats you poorly will increase your appreciation for someone who treats you well and prevent you from taking them for granted.

Stop comparing him to Your Ex

He was absolutely perfect. He did everything right, no flaws and no imperfections. Romantic, honest, passionate…..the total package. Then why is he your ex?

Sometimes as women we have a tendency to change the past in our minds. Improving on the good memories and completely forgetting the bad. By the time we are done we have put that man on a pedestal, making him into something no other man can compete with.

Now every man you meet fails to meet these fantasy expectations of a past you have embellished so much that even you have trouble remembering what’s real. A reality that is not fair to you or the new man in your life. Just like we say a good man should not have to pay for the mistakes of a bad man, a new man should not have to compete against someone else.

If you are constantly comparing, perhaps you are not as ready as you think to date. Take some time to figure out what you need and want. Take things slowly. The first step, is dealing with the past. Take a good hard look at what really happened. Knock that pedestal over. If he had been Mr. Perfect, he would still be with you. But for some reason he is not, which means he is either not perfect for you or not perfect for you right now. Either way, you have to move on and live your life. Don’t let your past hinder the possibility of meeting someone that really is meant to be your future.

Learning to Forgive

At some point we have all gone through something in our past that impacted the way we feel, what we believe and how much we trust others. Perhaps it was a father that was never there, a boyfriend who lied consistently or a husband that completely failed to understand what fidelity meant. Some women are able to deal with their experiences then and there and move on without a second thought. Then there are the others, women that hold on to the hurt, the anger or the animosity. Women who just cant let it go.

At some point we have all been told to forgive and forget. The problem is that it is so hard to do for a lot of women. But consider this; while you are holding on to what someone else did, they are living their lives without a second thought or a glimmer of guilt. Yes forgiving someone can be difficult, even more so if they have never apologized or even admitted any wrongdoing.

What good is holding on to the hurt or anger doing for you? It will erode any new relationships you try to formulate. Let’s say your father was never around and you have abandonment issues or a fear of not being good enough. Every man that comes into your life will have to deal with that baggage and be put to the test consistently. Or perhaps you were involved with a man that was always dishonest about something; money, women or just life. Now a perfectly good man coming into your life will have to prove himself to you over and over again because of your trust issues. Is that fair to him? Why should he have to pay for someone else’s mistakes?

We have all been through something, but part of growing up is learning to accept that it happened, deal with it and move on with your life. You are forgiving them to free yourself, not because they deserve it but because you do. You deserve the kind of relationship and love that can only be derived if you have freed yourself from the past and the hurt you have endured. Take a deep breath and let it go, starting here and now. Stop blaming them for what they did and start living your life 100% free of the anger and pain.

 

Friends with benefits or boyfriend with potential

Men will normally tell you exactly what they want up front. The problem will sometimes be truly hearing what they say and believing it. Women have a tendency to hear what they want to hear or simply make their own conclusions about what a man really means.

If a man says he is not interested in a relationship, that he is only interested in someone to hang out with, have fun or fulfill his physical needs, then that is exactly what he wants right now.

 

Too often, women take that to mean that he only feels that way because he had not met her before, that she can change his mind. Going into a situation believing you can change a man to be what or who you need is the first step to disappointment later. Basically it’s being dishonest. She is being dishonest with herself if she convinces herself that she can accept what he is offering when it’s not what she wants. She is being honest with him by telling him she is ok with just being friends with benefits, no strings attached.

 

A man who wants to be in a relationship and is ready to put in the effort to make one work, will be upfront about his intentions. There will be no need to try to figure him out or second guess everything he says. He will be upfront, stepping to you with the purpose of a man on a mission to get what he wants.

 

It’s really quite simple, before getting into a committed relationship or a friend’s with benefits arrangement, both parties need to sit down and talk in an open and honest forum to determine what they both want and need. If someone’s ultimate needs are not being met, neither party will be satisfied in the long run.