Tag: Marriage

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One of the biggest mistakes anyone can make in marriage is letting all the outside influence of family impact their marriage. Quite often, that influence comes in the form of that loving mother-in-law, that’s just not so loving.

How often are we taught that once married, we are to become one with our spouse? As much as we may be used to our mother being one of our first priorities, that is supposed to change with marriage. Now the person that was given to you in front of God should come first, after God of course. Unfortunately, there are so many marriages being torn apart at the seams because of the division being caused by one spouses’ mother.

Let me give you an example. In my first marriage, my MIL was not really a fan of mine. She constantly found something wrong with everything I did. From the way I arranged my kitchen to how much I fed her son. Who by the way was a grown ass man eating just fine. Not to mention, grown men, can feed themselves you know. But I digress. At the time, I would let her complaints to my husband drive me nuts. Because of course he would repeat everything she said to me later, reconfirming for me how much she did not like me. Marriages will face a lot of outside influence with the potential to tear it apart, letting family be one of them is a mistake.

As a member of several wife groups, I have had the opportunity lately to see how many women are dealing with much worse circumstances. Mother in laws who come to their homes and take over. Constantly gripe and complain about everything or just cause general chaos and fights in the home. What’s alarming is how many men side with their mothers and expect their wives to just accept their mother’s bad behavior vs how many men actually stand up for their wives.

The question becomes this, when your wife finally leaves, who is really to blame? Home is where we should all feel our most relaxed, safe, and loved. It should not feel like a battle zone of constant strife caused by outside forces. No one says you shouldn’t love your mother, but you do need to make sure to handle situations quickly that may impact your future with your spouse. If your mother left this world today, what would be the state of your marriage that was left behind?

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Spoilers Ahead:

Well, I saw this one being compared to books like ‘Gone Girl’, but I would not go that far. A highly successful attorney is working the most important case of her career, defending her husband for the murder of his mistress. The mistress that was found dead in their bed at their second home. It’s a decent book, with lots of twists and turns you probably would not see coming. However, if you read a lot of books in this genre, you will probably figure out who did it early on.

Pros: The book keeps your interest and you do want to finish it. It’s perfect if you like to see someone extract revenge on someone that did them wrong. In this case, it’s a wife that works extremely hard to afford the luxury lifestyle she and her husband live. Multiple homes, luxury cars, designer clothes… He in turn has written one book that was a success, every book since then has bombed. He convinces her to purchase a home out in the country with beautiful views and lots of quiet to work on his writing. However, instead of just writing, he starts a long affair with a local waitress in the area.

Cons: There are a lot of moments when things are just so farfetched it does not even make sense. She goes through a lot of trouble to exact revenge on her cheating husband and pulls the wool over everyone’s eyes in the process. The investigation must have been extremely lax that not one clue was found, and she was never even considered a suspect, not once.  Not only that, but it turns out she has been a master at killing people with no suspicion since she was young and killed her mother?

While I’m all for a woman making him regret he ever screwed over her, it was a lot. He didn’t just go to jail for a crime he didn’t commit, he ended up dying by lethal injection. It’s an interesting read, when you have some free time and just want to get lost in something else, just be prepared to understand that some things are seriously farfetched.

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I know, I know, not my usual content. But I watched a reality show recently (big surprise) where something piqued my interest. Not a big surprise for me, I know. 

The spouse had done something for the wife to help her out, basically handling a situation for her with her mother. Afterwards he made a comment asking if what he did was worth sex. She pretty much blew off the comment and told him to go to his office.

Since that time, I have seen a lot of banter on social media in multiple groups. Some people felt blowing off his comment was the same as basically pushing him to cheat. The general thought being if he is asking and you say no you are literally telling him to go somewhere else. Especially since there have been allegations in the past of him stepping out.

But let’s look at this. Are we really saying that women can never say no to a man or he will cheat? Is that really what we want to teach our daughters? You must always do what he wants when he wants, or else? There are going to be times when we are tired or just not in the mood. The response is not retaliation by cheating, its contribution. What do I mean by that? Well, if she is tired, have you considered what she does in a day and thought of ways to help out? Perhaps handling the kids for a while so she can have a break or handling some of her tasks to free her up a bit. If she is not in the mood, have you considered your approach? Are you romancing her, seducing her or just groping and trying to pounce? Most of us, take a little time to warm up. Think preheating an oven instead of the zap of a microwave.

Beyond that, it is definitely not an excuse to cheat. At any time one spouse is unhappy, the key is to communicate the concerns. The response is not to just ignore your vows and do whatever or whoever you want. Because let’s be honest, as a man, you would have a fit if she did the same!

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We all know at least one. Maybe we dated them. Or perhaps they just happen to be family or friends. Either way, its sometimes hard to walk away at the first red flags. And there are a lot of them. Let’s look at a few shall we?

  1. He is a Liar. And I do not just mean the occasional lie. He lies a lot, about everything. Big things, little things, stupid things. It is almost like he has no idea how to do anything but lie! I distinctly recall dating a guy who I had dead to rights on a simple question I asked him about something I found at his place. He lied through his teeth while looking me directly in the eye and gave me BS details to elaborate his story. How did I know he was lying? I found the receipt as well but didn’t bother to tell him that part before asking the question. Never even saw the point in telling him that I knew he was lying either. What would be the point? To hear more lies?
  2. He Loves Himself. Now don’t get me wrong, self-love is important. But a narcissist loves himself more than he could ever love you. He may tell you he loves you, but his actions do not reflect what his mouth is saying. Saying it and showing it are two vastly different things.
  3. Controlling. The narcissist needs to feel in control of everything about you; from the way you look to the way you speak. He needs to know where you are, who you are with and what you are doing. When the man you are with starts wanting to change everything about you, be concerned. Several years ago, I was with someone that liked to tell me how long my dresses needed to be, how my hair should be styled and didn’t like me wearing makeup. So, I changed all those things. Once I was out of that situation, my family was ecstatic to see the real me come back out of the shell I had retreated to.
  4. Table Turner. You know the type. They can do something to hurt you, yet when you confront them, they completely turn it back around on you. Let me give you an example, let’s say you find clear evidence he is cheating on you. Instead of apologizing or admitting any wrongdoing, he starts to get upset with you for some insecurities on your part or accuses you of snooping to find this out in the first place. Really? That’s what we are going to focus on?
  5. What he wants is always more important. For the narcissist, what he wants always takes precedence in any situation. And I don’t just mean in little things like where you should go for dinner. I’m talking about the big things as well. Let’s say you live in a state you love, but he decides its time to move somewhere else. With no discussion as a team, he just makes a decision. When he presents it to you, its more of a take it or leave it option. Either way, he is moving. Take a moment to evaluate, is everything always about what he wants or needs? That should concern you. Relationships are give and take. Not take and take.

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When it comes to your relationship, you may be happy and perhaps even still in that honeymoon phase. But what if that changes tomorrow? For whatever reason, your significant other may blindside you out of nowhere and decide they want out. Are you prepared?

Truth be told, as women, we sometimes expect happily ever after to be just like the fairy tales we read growing up. You know, really be happily ever after. Unfortunately, that’s just not always reality. So, let’s take a moment and really think about it.

Emotionally

Are your friends still your friends, or have you gotten so caught up in the we that you forgot about the me? When was the last time you hung out with your girlfriends or lost track of time on the phone? Most of them were there before you met him so why have you stopped keeping them high on your priority list as well? Keep in mind, if your relationship ends tomorrow, these are the same people that you will need to cry, vent or drink with!

Have you maintained your interests? You know the things you were passionate about. Your dreams, hobbies and career goals. Just because you became a couple does not mean who you are must be completely given up. Do you think men give up all their interests just because of you? Then why do we? Its mostly just something engrained in us from childhood that makes us want to make our lives 100% about someone else. But what ends up happening is that we then start looking at someone else to make us happy and that’s just not their responsibility.

Financially

If only I had a dime for every time a woman stayed with a man simply because she didn’t feel she could survive on her own. Well what if you don’t have a choice? What if he just leaves? Are you going to be ok? If you know you won’t be, do something about it now. Find a supplemental income or change careers if you need to. If things end unexpectedly you do not want to stress about how you will manage on top of being an emotional basket case.

Physically

Why is it when a man leaves, we go through this sudden need to completely revamp ourselves? Suddenly we lose weight, change our hair or our clothing in effort to show him what he’s missing. While that’s all fine and good, why can’t we that now? Don’t be complacent in how you take care of yourself or maintain your confidence, only to have to get it all body slammed later. Whether in a relationship or out, always make sure you are doing the work to maintain your confidence at its highest level. And no, I’m not saying everyone has to lose weight to do that. Some women are happy in the skin they are in. But if that’s not you, let’s put in the work now.

I guess my point is this. If you are suddenly blind sided by a relationship ending. I want you to be prepared and able to dust your self off and tell him to keep stepping. Yes, it will be an emotional roller coaster for you, we have all been there at some point. But make sure you have what it takes to handle your life just find when the dust settles.

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The Bride And Groom Hold Hands, In The Hands Of A Beautiful Bouq

Back by popular demand, I will start including my reality TV reviews to the blog since they are so popular on the podcast. First up, Married at First Sight. If you are not familiar with the show, a quick google search will get you up to speed. The basic premise involves letting a group of experts choose a spouse for you that you will not meet until you get to the alter. This season is being done in New Orleans and will include some episodes that were filmed in the pandemic. That should be interesting. Imagine being married to a stranger and on top of that having to be quarantined with said stranger!

Since I am adding them to the blog after a couple of episodes have already aired, the couples have already been matched, married and are now on their honeymoons. So, let’s just jump right in, shall we?

Olivia and Brett

My initial impressions of Brett were not favorable, of course it could be editing on the shows part. But he came off as someone who was not going to take this process seriously, likes to date a plethora of women at one time and even did some flirting at his bachelor party. On the honeymoon he does seem to at least be trying to get to know Olivia and spend time with her. So hopefully he proves me wrong in the long run. I doubt it, but here’s hoping. Olivia does admit on this episode that she never really saw herself as a parent, which seems to be a red flag for Brett. He does seem to have a pretty big family so that may prove to be an issue later on.

Amelia and Bennett

Let’s be honest, they are a fan favorite for a lot of people. They have cute, quirky personalities and seem to be a really good fit so far. Initially, I was not sold on the pairing. It felt like they were only being matched because they were a little different from the norm. But so far, they seem to be really getting along and opening up to each other. On tonight’s episode they discuss everything from their childhoods to her potential need to move for work. And I admit it was super cute that they were sharing food and playing board games. Not to mention, his little confession to the producers that he has a crush on his new wife.

Christina and Henry

Lord where do I start? At some point Henry has indicated how shy he is, how he avoids putting himself out there and never really tries anything adventurous. On the other hand, you have Christina who tries everything and really likes to get out there and live life, trying new things, traveling etc. Initially during the wedding, she did irk my nerves with her rude bitchy behavior to everyone, but perhaps she was just super nervous and that was her way of getting through it, who knows. This honeymoon is a disaster for them so far. First, he rarely talks. I really hope all the awkward silences are just productions attempts at drama, I really do. Christina talked him into boat rides, mud baths, sight-seeing and the equivalent of jumping on a trampoline – all of which was out of his comfort zone. He did at least try all of it, but it just seemed awkward and forced between them, especially when everyone else was discussing how much they have learned about each other.

Amani and Woody

This is the first season I have watched where two best friends are doing the experiment together. Woody and Miles are best friends who were both matched and seem to really be doing well. Woody and Armani seem to be really vibing, lots of conversation, affection and quality time including taking platonic showers together. Armani has made it clear she wants to take things slowly as far as sex goes and he is letting her set the pace without trying to push the issue, which I really admire. He does admit sex normally happens pretty quickly in his normal dating, but he is willing to do things differently since now we are talking about his marriage and his wife.

Karen and Miles

Karen and Miles got off to a bit of a rocky start. She inadvertently found out his name in advance and did a little social media stalking as we women sometimes do. Based on his posts and videos she decided he was not her type and almost did not go through with the marriage. Luckily, she took the leap because they look like they might be able to make something out of this. Of course, based on her pass treatment by her ex, (he had a baby with someone else while they were together) she may have some walls up that he will need to knock down. Not to mention, the fact that he is slightly younger than her seems to be an issue she must deal with. Him making jokes about her being a cougar certainly is not helping! But I do have high hopes for them. And honestly, I think it will be super nice to have both his marriage and his best friends work out well so they can have cute double dates, vacations and family get together’s.

 

 

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Upset woman ignoring affectionate couple in pub

You would be surprised how many times a month someone makes a comment about how great my marriage is or how its ‘couple goals’. While I appreciate the sentiment, it’s not actual life. No relationship is perfect, despite what social media may display. We may not fight but trust me we do get on each other’s nerves on occasion. He leaves lights on in EVERY SINGLE ROOM, I like to put my cold hands on him to warm them up. You know, typical stuff.

My point is, stop comparing your life or your relationships to people you view on social media, in magazines or on television. You do realize they are all only showing you the parts they want you to see right? Well except the people with the vague comments and posts that they hope their significant other sees that lets everyone else but them know there is a problem. But I digress. There are people who waste time comparing themselves to others they don’t even know instead of enjoying what they have right in front of them!

Since we are on the subject, let’s talk about the single people as well. A lot of single people watch couples on social media and let it make them feel less than. Why? Just because someone has a significant other does not mean they are happy with that person or their lives. So many of us wasted so much time wishing and searching for a man that we missed out on a lot of life.

How many times have you passed on an invitation to go somewhere or try something new just because you didn’t have a date? Forget that! You are missing out on so many experiences and memories to be made.

I personally recall avoiding several events back in the day because I didn’t want to feel out of place attending alone. You know what ends up happening? People finally stop inviting you or you look back and realize all the things you missed out on experiencing. Life is not meant to be put on hold until you are part of a couple. The more life you live as a single person, the more well rounded you will be when