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Love is not Violent

Being in love can be a rollercoaster of emotions: passionate, romantic and pure bliss. Unfortunately it can also be difficult and draining; because let’s face it, every relationship is not going to be peaches and cream at all times.

What love should never be is violent. A conversation last night led me to be more open and transparent than I normally am. Trying to explain having once been in an abusive partnership can be scary. One has to wonder what impact that revelation will have. Will it change someone’s perception of me? Will they judge me unjustly? If you are opening up to someone who truly cares about you, they will not judge you on your past. Instead they will embrace the lessons it taught you and the woman you have become.

As women, we sometimes have a habit of making excuses for certain behavior. For a very long time, I made those excuses. Since the violence in my case normally involved pushing, shoving or being held down along with a lot of emotional abuse I made excuses. Constantly being in denial that it’s not abuse if they don’t hit you is just that, denial. At some point we have to take a good hard look at the situation and decide once and for all that someone who truly cares about you would never hurt you. They would never break doors because you didn’t want to argue, or punch holes in walls when you are crying.

We were created by Good as divine creatures meant to be loved, cherished and cared for. Nothing less should ever be accepted. I have come a long way from that woman. I’m ready to walk in my truth, are you?

Reflecting

What happens when a writer has too much time on their hands? I write. A lot. What else is there to do?? There have been a lot of changes lately but one thing remains consistent, the need to get things down on paper, clear my mind so to speak. So here goes.

As a relationship writer it can sometimes get quite stressful dealing with everyone elses relationship concerns and questions in addition to my own personal obstacles. It’s all about balance. One thing I can not do is let anything impacting my personal life affect the way I handle my writing ventures or ultimate goals. Some relationships are meant to be, long lasting, enduring. Other relationships may only be fleeting, someone to teach you something in the moment. A stepping stone so to speak. An avenue towards reaching your true partner.

Think of it this way, each person you interact with teaches you something. Sometimes those lessons are positive, sometimes they are negative. Either way you either learned how you want to be treated and what your expectations are in a mate or you learned what you simpley will not be able to accept.

Personally I like to think of it this way. Each relationship that does not work out, for whatever reason, prepares you for the person you are ultimately meant to be with. You are wiser, more centered and more apt to appreciate all the things about them that may not have been present in your past relationships. Due to that fact I say this, breakups happen. Take a moment to deal with and accept the dissapointment then move forward. Do not let it hold you back or deter you from continuing to reach for the relationship you ultimately want. Giving up is never an option, life is simply too short. Keep pushing, your true happiness in a relationship may just be around the corner with that one person you are pushing away out of fear from the past.

Needy and Clingy Women, so not Attractive!

Needy, clingy women are a major turnoff to a powerful man with drive. Why? Simply put, focused men trying to achieve certain goals in life do not have time to reassure you every minute of every day that you are in their thoughts.

What is your purpose? What are your goals, dreams and aspirations? If you are an independent woman with a mind of your own, one who is driven to pursue your own goals, you simply won’t have time to focus on what he is doing hour after hour throughout the day.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not in any way saying a man should not make you a priority in his life. However, he should not have to stress about the attitude you will have if he is not checking in with you every moment. The last thing a man needs at the end of a long stressful day is his woman giving him even more grief and stress. Your goal should always be one that empowers him, uplifts him and makes him feel safe from the struggles of the world. In other words, you are the one person that he knows will always have his back. The person he can talk to about anything without fear of judgment.

Think of it this way. When was the last time you were doing something that kept you extremely focused or busy? Perhaps it was a major deadline at work or a party you were in the middle of planning. Maybe you spent the day with a good friend you had not seen in awhile. During those times, it’s quite easy to lose track of time. When that happens you may only talk to the man in your life once or twice all day. But you don’t freak out about it because you know the reason. You were busy, he was busy. How would you feel if he automatically accused you of doing something wrong when you were missing in action? Or tried to insinuate that he simply was not important to you? Well just like you would not appreciate that, neither does he.

As a woman pursuing her goals you will attract men with like minded ambitions. Part of that reason is that he knows that combined drive will ultimately make you both a force to be reckoned with as a strong, powerful couple on the rise. It also lets him know that he does not have to stress about checking in every five seconds to reassure you because just like he is focused, so are you.

If you know you have a tendency to be that needy clingy woman, try something different. When you start to feel that need arising in you to check in with him for the millionth time in an hour, focus on something else. Preferably something that balances and evolves you as a woman. Take out your goal list, update some things. Focus on some of the short term steps to achieving those long term items. Not only does it give him time to do the things he has to do, it gives you time to focus on you. When you stay busy on individual goals, friendships and interests you spend less time nagging and more time blooming into someone he will find even more attractive and interesting.

Dating a Betrayed Man

At some point in all your dating ventures there is a very high chance that you will one day date a man who has been cheated on. Believe it or not it happens, more than you may now. While menmay love to put on an air of strength and invincibility, they can be extremely hurt by betrayal of this nature. That type of hurt can and will impact their future relationships.

Does this mean you should avoid getting involved with a man who has been hurt in this manner? Absolutely not. Just as women have a past that men accept in order to be involved with them, women should be willing to make the same adjustments. A man has the capacity to love extremely hard, once he truly lets down any walls and lets a woman in completely. That woman becomes the one person he counts on to always have his back, the one person he can always trust, in other words the Queen to the King in him. Once a man has been betrayed by someone he has placed that much faith in, it is sometimes difficult for him to recover immediately. Difficult but not impossible.

If you want to be with this man, you will need to accept certain eccentricities in the beginning. It will take time for him to trust you completely, probably more time than you are used to in arelationship. There may be more questions or concerns about where you are, who you are with or perhaps who else you communicate with of the opposite nature. Do not intentionally do things that you know will make him question you in effort to get attention.

Now don’t get me wrong, there is a big difference between a man who is jealous and a man who has trust issues from hurt at this level. Know the difference. Try to understand the impact this type of betrayal has made on him and be willing to do what it takes to show him that you are not the same woman that hurt him. Show him that he can count on you, trust you and confide in you about any and all concerns he may have without fear of judgement. You will not regret it in the long run. As that man opens up completely to you and lets you all the way in, you will be able to see the King under all those layers. A man that will love, cherish and adore you in ways you can only imagine.

Falling in Love Alone

As we all go through the lovely chaos of dating you will sometimes find yourselves on different wavelengths. Just like anything else one of you may develop feelings quicker than the other or at the very least a little more intense than your partner.
When that happens you may feel a paralyzing fear of inadequacy. But there is really no need. There is not a rule set in stone that says you should both feel the exact same thing at the exact same time.
Some people take longer than others to really open up and let themselves be vulnerable to giving someone else their heart. Yes in a perfect romantic situation both parties would fall in love at the same time and live happily ever after just like the fairy tales. But that’s just it, those are fairy tales.
In reality those feelings may happen instantly or they make take time. But are you really willing to risk running to avoid possible rejection when in reality it may just take time for someone to catch up to where you are? Give things time to develop, see where they go and you just might find yourself the recipient of the relationship of your dreams.

Ghosts from your Past

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It never fails, as soon as you move on and seem happy in a new relationship the ghosts from your past are sure to show up. Everything from those that just want to say hello or tell you they miss you to the ones who claim to want to congratulate you and wish you well.

There may very well be a really small percentage that truly want to wish you well. But for the most part it’s for purely selfish reasons. For some of them, it’s genuinely surprising that you would move on and find happiness with someone else, to others you suddenly appear so much more appealing now that you are with someone new. Of course there will be those who are simply trying to be nosey.

Keep all these conversations to a minimum. There is no need for long text messages, phone calls or visits for old times sake. Of course you can respond, you don’t have to be rude.

Keep it short and to the point. Don’t engage in any communication you would not appreciate your new partner doing with one of their exes. Just as you would find it disrespectful, show your new relationship the same respect.

The people in your past are in the past for a reason. Leave them there. Don’t risk your new relationship and potential happiness looking back.

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Why can’t women support each other?

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There is an old saying that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. So why is it then that we make excuse after excuse for the negative, mean spirited ways women sometimes treat each other? Instead of putting a stop to it, we let it continue, we engage in it and sometimes revel from it.

Don’t agree? Think about it. How often have you engaged in malicious gossip about someone who considered you a confidant? Even if you didn’t say anything, failing to walk away still makes you an accomplice.

Women are emotional creatures by nature, wouldn’t it be so much more empowering if we supported, encouraged and loved one another instead of just being negative, gossiping and being mean spirited?

We have all been guilty at some point, some more than others. But it’s never too late to change that behavior. Start fresh today with a new attitude and outlook on how you will interact with the women you encounter each day, you might be amazed at the changes it will bring to your life!