Archive | October 2013

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

For years I have held a lot of anger in for so many things. Even though you had the opportunity to be there throughout my life, you rarely were. I went through life with a sense of envy and resentment for girls who had a father in their lives. Men who took the time to treat them the way they deserved to be treated; the way they deserved to be loved. Giving them the blueprint to follow in life that would enable them to find a man that would treat them the same.

For a very long time, I blamed myself. I thought I was not good enough, pretty enough or thin enough to be worthy of your time and attention. After years of watching your interests in several other women, gambling and multiple children the feelings only intensified. I’m old enough now to know better, but it does not change the long lasting damage that has been done to either my trust in men or my feelings of worthiness.

Those misplaced feelings are like a magnet to men who treat me poorly or seem to have an inability to remain faithful to one woman. Those insecurities are so deep that even when someone means well; my radar is automatically up and assuming the worse.

It’s time to let it all go; it’s time to forgive and move on. Not for you, but for me. Holding on to all that anger and pain have held me captive for far too long. In the long run, it was your loss, not mine. You missed out on getting to know me as I matured into the woman that I am. I have to accept that you are who you are and it’s too late to change that, but maybe, just maybe, it’s not too late for you to get to know and understand the phenomenal woman I am now. In the meantime, it’s time to let it all go and open myself up to all the possibilities of an amazing future where I am definitely good enough.

Uncensored

Took a break away from a lot of my writing recently to reevaluate a few things. When I was writing my relationship column there were rules and guidelines I had to follow that made me feel as if I was in a box, not quite being myself. That thought process helped with the decision to start my blog, a chance to step outside of that box.

Lately I have begun censoring myself again. The only way to really make this work will be to open myself up and give myself, open and uncensored. Is there really any other way to be truthful to yourself?