He was absolutely perfect. He did everything right, no flaws and no imperfections. Romantic, honest, passionate…..the total package. Then why is he your ex?
Sometimes as women we have a tendency to change the past in our minds. Improving on the good memories and completely forgetting the bad. By the time we are done we have put that man on a pedestal, making him into something no other man can compete with.
Now every man you meet fails to meet these fantasy expectations of a past you have embellished so much that even you have trouble remembering what’s real. A reality that is not fair to you or the new man in your life. Just like we say a good man should not have to pay for the mistakes of a bad man, a new man should not have to compete against someone else.
If you are constantly comparing, perhaps you are not as ready as you think to date. Take some time to figure out what you need and want. Take things slowly. The first step, is dealing with the past. Take a good hard look at what really happened. Knock that pedestal over. If he had been Mr. Perfect, he would still be with you. But for some reason he is not, which means he is either not perfect for you or not perfect for you right now. Either way, you have to move on and live your life. Don’t let your past hinder the possibility of meeting someone that really is meant to be your future.
At some point we have all gone through something in our past that impacted the way we feel, what we believe and how much we trust others. Perhaps it was a father that was never there, a boyfriend who lied consistently or a husband that completely failed to understand what fidelity meant. Some women are able to deal with their experiences then and there and move on without a second thought. Then there are the others, women that hold on to the hurt, the anger or the animosity. Women who just cant let it go.
At some point we have all been told to forgive and forget. The problem is that it is so hard to do for a lot of women. But consider this; while you are holding on to what someone else did, they are living their lives without a second thought or a glimmer of guilt. Yes forgiving someone can be difficult, even more so if they have never apologized or even admitted any wrongdoing.
What good is holding on to the hurt or anger doing for you? It will erode any new relationships you try to formulate. Let’s say your father was never around and you have abandonment issues or a fear of not being good enough. Every man that comes into your life will have to deal with that baggage and be put to the test consistently. Or perhaps you were involved with a man that was always dishonest about something; money, women or just life. Now a perfectly good man coming into your life will have to prove himself to you over and over again because of your trust issues. Is that fair to him? Why should he have to pay for someone else’s mistakes?
We have all been through something, but part of growing up is learning to accept that it happened, deal with it and move on with your life. You are forgiving them to free yourself, not because they deserve it but because you do. You deserve the kind of relationship and love that can only be derived if you have freed yourself from the past and the hurt you have endured. Take a deep breath and let it go, starting here and now. Stop blaming them for what they did and start living your life 100% free of the anger and pain.
Men will normally tell you exactly what they want up front. The problem will sometimes be truly hearing what they say and believing it. Women have a tendency to hear what they want to hear or simply make their own conclusions about what a man really means.
If a man says he is not interested in a relationship, that he is only interested in someone to hang out with, have fun or fulfill his physical needs, then that is exactly what he wants right now.
Too often, women take that to mean that he only feels that way because he had not met her before, that she can change his mind. Going into a situation believing you can change a man to be what or who you need is the first step to disappointment later. Basically it’s being dishonest. She is being dishonest with herself if she convinces herself that she can accept what he is offering when it’s not what she wants. She is being honest with him by telling him she is ok with just being friends with benefits, no strings attached.
A man who wants to be in a relationship and is ready to put in the effort to make one work, will be upfront about his intentions. There will be no need to try to figure him out or second guess everything he says. He will be upfront, stepping to you with the purpose of a man on a mission to get what he wants.
It’s really quite simple, before getting into a committed relationship or a friend’s with benefits arrangement, both parties need to sit down and talk in an open and honest forum to determine what they both want and need. If someone’s ultimate needs are not being met, neither party will be satisfied in the long run.
Women complain frequently that time and life eventually starts to get in the way of their relationship. After awhile, dates are out the window, appearance is no longer a priority and communication is practically nonexistent. The key is making sure you put in the time and attention to make sure that doesn’t happen!
- Make date night a priority. Set aside one night a week that the two of you can spend doing something alone. It doesn’t have to be expensive, as long as it’s something you both enjoy doing together. Go to a movie, take a cooking class together, go hiking, visit a museum, have a picnic….the possibilities are endless. Just make sure to maintain it; barring an emergency; every effort should be made to set and keep date nights.
- Keep up appearances. Being in a relationship is not an excuse to don sweatpants and old t-shirts. Take the time to put your self together before seeing the man in your life; he’s worth the extra effort!
- Check in. Life can be hectic; putting out one fire after another. But take a moment during each day to call, text or email. You may not have time for a long discussion, but let him know he’s on your mind, see how his day is going or just say Hello!
- Put away the crystal ball! Contrary to popular belief, men can’t read your mind. If something is bothering you, talk about it. Talk, not nag, there is a difference! Open and honest communication is key.
- Take the Initiative. When was the last time you made the first move? Send him a racy photo, text him explicit instructions of what you would like to do later, buy something lacy. There is so much you can do! Not only will he be surprised, he may just get home in record speed!