Are You with A Narcissist?

We all know at least one. Maybe we dated them. Or perhaps they just happen to be family or friends. Either way, its sometimes hard to walk away at the first red flags. And there are a lot of them. Let’s look at a few shall we?

  1. He is a Liar. And I do not just mean the occasional lie. He lies a lot, about everything. Big things, little things, stupid things. It is almost like he has no idea how to do anything but lie! I distinctly recall dating a guy who I had dead to rights on a simple question I asked him about something I found at his place. He lied through his teeth while looking me directly in the eye and gave me BS details to elaborate his story. How did I know he was lying? I found the receipt as well but didn’t bother to tell him that part before asking the question. Never even saw the point in telling him that I knew he was lying either. What would be the point? To hear more lies?
  2. He Loves Himself. Now don’t get me wrong, self-love is important. But a narcissist loves himself more than he could ever love you. He may tell you he loves you, but his actions do not reflect what his mouth is saying. Saying it and showing it are two vastly different things.
  3. Controlling. The narcissist needs to feel in control of everything about you; from the way you look to the way you speak. He needs to know where you are, who you are with and what you are doing. When the man you are with starts wanting to change everything about you, be concerned. Several years ago, I was with someone that liked to tell me how long my dresses needed to be, how my hair should be styled and didn’t like me wearing makeup. So, I changed all those things. Once I was out of that situation, my family was ecstatic to see the real me come back out of the shell I had retreated to.
  4. Table Turner. You know the type. They can do something to hurt you, yet when you confront them, they completely turn it back around on you. Let me give you an example, let’s say you find clear evidence he is cheating on you. Instead of apologizing or admitting any wrongdoing, he starts to get upset with you for some insecurities on your part or accuses you of snooping to find this out in the first place. Really? That’s what we are going to focus on?
  5. What he wants is always more important. For the narcissist, what he wants always takes precedence in any situation. And I don’t just mean in little things like where you should go for dinner. I’m talking about the big things as well. Let’s say you live in a state you love, but he decides its time to move somewhere else. With no discussion as a team, he just makes a decision. When he presents it to you, its more of a take it or leave it option. Either way, he is moving. Take a moment to evaluate, is everything always about what he wants or needs? That should concern you. Relationships are give and take. Not take and take.

Your Strong Friend

Sometimes even the strongest women need someone else to be strong for them. The woman that always seems to be able to handle everything, is not handling as much as you think. When you envy the woman that seems to achieve so much more than you do, take a moment to see past the veil.

Some of us are simply better at appearing to have it all together than others. You have no idea how many emotional breakdowns she has behind closed doors. How often she may feel completely overwhelmed by all the responsibilities and deadlines on her plate.

You may be looking up to her while she is secretly putting herself down and fighting her own insecurities and doubts. What you see as great or amazing, she may see as her failure that day, week or month. You know her. She is the strong friend, the one that is always there for everyone. But rarely asks anyone else for help or just a shoulder to cry on.

We spend so much time as women competing instead of supporting one another. Do your girlfriends know what they mean to you? Do they know that you would be there for them if they ever need someone to talk to?

When people are gone, we cover their social media sites with all the love and adoration we have for them. Let them know how you feel now. What is that old saying? Give them their flowers while they can still smell them. Stop taking each day for granted and let the people close to you, know what they mean to you.

Are You Prepared?

When it comes to your relationship, you may be happy and perhaps even still in that honeymoon phase. But what if that changes tomorrow? For whatever reason, your significant other may blindside you out of nowhere and decide they want out. Are you prepared?

Truth be told, as women, we sometimes expect happily ever after to be just like the fairy tales we read growing up. You know, really be happily ever after. Unfortunately, that’s just not always reality. So, let’s take a moment and really think about it.

Emotionally

Are your friends still your friends, or have you gotten so caught up in the we that you forgot about the me? When was the last time you hung out with your girlfriends or lost track of time on the phone? Most of them were there before you met him so why have you stopped keeping them high on your priority list as well? Keep in mind, if your relationship ends tomorrow, these are the same people that you will need to cry, vent or drink with!

Have you maintained your interests? You know the things you were passionate about. Your dreams, hobbies and career goals. Just because you became a couple does not mean who you are must be completely given up. Do you think men give up all their interests just because of you? Then why do we? Its mostly just something engrained in us from childhood that makes us want to make our lives 100% about someone else. But what ends up happening is that we then start looking at someone else to make us happy and that’s just not their responsibility.

Financially

If only I had a dime for every time a woman stayed with a man simply because she didn’t feel she could survive on her own. Well what if you don’t have a choice? What if he just leaves? Are you going to be ok? If you know you won’t be, do something about it now. Find a supplemental income or change careers if you need to. If things end unexpectedly you do not want to stress about how you will manage on top of being an emotional basket case.

Physically

Why is it when a man leaves, we go through this sudden need to completely revamp ourselves? Suddenly we lose weight, change our hair or our clothing in effort to show him what he’s missing. While that’s all fine and good, why can’t we that now? Don’t be complacent in how you take care of yourself or maintain your confidence, only to have to get it all body slammed later. Whether in a relationship or out, always make sure you are doing the work to maintain your confidence at its highest level. And no, I’m not saying everyone has to lose weight to do that. Some women are happy in the skin they are in. But if that’s not you, let’s put in the work now.

I guess my point is this. If you are suddenly blind sided by a relationship ending. I want you to be prepared and able to dust your self off and tell him to keep stepping. Yes, it will be an emotional roller coaster for you, we have all been there at some point. But make sure you have what it takes to handle your life just find when the dust settles.

Married at First Sight New Orleans – The Honeymoons – Episode 6

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The latest episode of Married at First Sight was a little slow for the series. There were not really any dramatic events or stand out moments. For the most part it was insightful and a nice way to continue to set up the season.

Olivia and Brett

Brett, Brett, Brett. What can I say? He does not disappoint in bad behavior. First, he seemed to have issue with the fact that Olivia makes a lot more money than he does. As well as his objection to the idea that she believes she should enjoy life the way she chooses to with her money. She travels a lot, eats out a lot and tries new things. Apparently, this did not sit well with him. This week’s episode saw him  get quite defensive when asked to rate his marriage on a scale of 1 to 10, then proceed to act like a pouting child to Olivia because he was pushed to answer, not by her, but by the others. So of course, it was her fault. Duh! Then he was apparently also upset that he overheard her rate them at a 7 ½. Not sure what score he expected. Heck I was surprised she rated it that high considering his less than stellar performance thus far. She ended up in tears and he did absolutely nothing to stop her leaving the room or at least try to console her in the moment.

Amelia and Bennett

These two continue to move along quite well. This week mostly shows them continue to try to get to know each other, discuss their childhoods and even flirt a little. Well, in the ways they know how to flirt. 😊 Its rather endearing to watch honestly. They even took the time to build a fort in their room to tell scary stories and sleep in. Of course, Amelia eventually falls asleep during one of his longer dialogues, to which he promptly wakes her up so he can continue. When she falls asleep again, he does at least let her sleep.

Christina and Henry

They are both still very awkward when it comes to attempts to communicate with each other. Honestly, I am starting to wonder if production does not like Christina. It almost appears that they purposely show us when she is acting her worse simply because they have had enough of her. At several points when they attempt to ask her a question, she visibly looks annoyed with them, rolls her eyes or gives a death glare. Not to mention snapping at one of them because they called her Christine instead of Christina. Ouch! Henry better make sure he stays on this girl’s good side! They do manage to do some of the activities and mingle with the others, but at this point there is absolutely zero affection of any kind happening between them. That alone is a little concerning regarding what will happen when they leave paradise and get back to reality.

Amani and Woody

These two. As of now, they are still getting along well. Being incredibly open with each other. Lots of affection and romance. One thing I can say, Woody is definitely putting in the effort to make Amani feel special and important to him. Hopefully, he keeps that up as time goes on, sometimes guys start off that way but then change once they feel they have locked a woman down so to speak. But I have high hopes for them continuing to evolve. One highlight to this week’s episode, was that these two ended up consummating their marriage on the final night of the honeymoon. As a matter of a fact, it seems they are the only ones to do so thus far. And they were just as cute and loving with each other the next morning that it was difficult to watch without smiling in anticipation of what’s to come for them.

Karen and Miles

You know, this is another couple I have high hopes for. I really like both of them, but again this week Karen confuses me with her thought process. Miles felt it was time to be really open with some things that she should know, as his wife. He confided that he has been diagnosed with clinical depression that requires he be on medication. She takes this as him not necessarily being the type of strong man she wanted. The problem I have with that analogy is simple. We have made black men feel they should be hard so much that any sign of emotion is treated as a weakness. Because of that, a lot of them hold a lot in, which is not good for either party in the long run. I admire the fact that he knew he had a problem and he did something about it. He did something to take care of his mental well-being which takes strength sometimes. But this is only the honeymoons, hopefully once they get home and really get to know each other she will see how great they are as a couple.

 

(*Photo Credit: Lifetime.com)

Married At First Sight New Orleans – The Honeymoons

The Bride And Groom Hold Hands, In The Hands Of A Beautiful Bouq

Back by popular demand, I will start including my reality TV reviews to the blog since they are so popular on the podcast. First up, Married at First Sight. If you are not familiar with the show, a quick google search will get you up to speed. The basic premise involves letting a group of experts choose a spouse for you that you will not meet until you get to the alter. This season is being done in New Orleans and will include some episodes that were filmed in the pandemic. That should be interesting. Imagine being married to a stranger and on top of that having to be quarantined with said stranger!

Since I am adding them to the blog after a couple of episodes have already aired, the couples have already been matched, married and are now on their honeymoons. So, let’s just jump right in, shall we?

Olivia and Brett

My initial impressions of Brett were not favorable, of course it could be editing on the shows part. But he came off as someone who was not going to take this process seriously, likes to date a plethora of women at one time and even did some flirting at his bachelor party. On the honeymoon he does seem to at least be trying to get to know Olivia and spend time with her. So hopefully he proves me wrong in the long run. I doubt it, but here’s hoping. Olivia does admit on this episode that she never really saw herself as a parent, which seems to be a red flag for Brett. He does seem to have a pretty big family so that may prove to be an issue later on.

Amelia and Bennett

Let’s be honest, they are a fan favorite for a lot of people. They have cute, quirky personalities and seem to be a really good fit so far. Initially, I was not sold on the pairing. It felt like they were only being matched because they were a little different from the norm. But so far, they seem to be really getting along and opening up to each other. On tonight’s episode they discuss everything from their childhoods to her potential need to move for work. And I admit it was super cute that they were sharing food and playing board games. Not to mention, his little confession to the producers that he has a crush on his new wife.

Christina and Henry

Lord where do I start? At some point Henry has indicated how shy he is, how he avoids putting himself out there and never really tries anything adventurous. On the other hand, you have Christina who tries everything and really likes to get out there and live life, trying new things, traveling etc. Initially during the wedding, she did irk my nerves with her rude bitchy behavior to everyone, but perhaps she was just super nervous and that was her way of getting through it, who knows. This honeymoon is a disaster for them so far. First, he rarely talks. I really hope all the awkward silences are just productions attempts at drama, I really do. Christina talked him into boat rides, mud baths, sight-seeing and the equivalent of jumping on a trampoline – all of which was out of his comfort zone. He did at least try all of it, but it just seemed awkward and forced between them, especially when everyone else was discussing how much they have learned about each other.

Amani and Woody

This is the first season I have watched where two best friends are doing the experiment together. Woody and Miles are best friends who were both matched and seem to really be doing well. Woody and Armani seem to be really vibing, lots of conversation, affection and quality time including taking platonic showers together. Armani has made it clear she wants to take things slowly as far as sex goes and he is letting her set the pace without trying to push the issue, which I really admire. He does admit sex normally happens pretty quickly in his normal dating, but he is willing to do things differently since now we are talking about his marriage and his wife.

Karen and Miles

Karen and Miles got off to a bit of a rocky start. She inadvertently found out his name in advance and did a little social media stalking as we women sometimes do. Based on his posts and videos she decided he was not her type and almost did not go through with the marriage. Luckily, she took the leap because they look like they might be able to make something out of this. Of course, based on her pass treatment by her ex, (he had a baby with someone else while they were together) she may have some walls up that he will need to knock down. Not to mention, the fact that he is slightly younger than her seems to be an issue she must deal with. Him making jokes about her being a cougar certainly is not helping! But I do have high hopes for them. And honestly, I think it will be super nice to have both his marriage and his best friends work out well so they can have cute double dates, vacations and family get together’s.

 

 

Who Are You?

How often do you really take time to self-reflect and figure out who you really are and what you really want out of this life? We all do those mirror checks where we critique the outside and find all our perceived flaws, but what about the inside? Who we thought we were or what we thought we wanted changes overtime, as we age, gain experience and go through life’s ups and downs.

I am pushing 50 sooner than I would like, and my body aches remind me at every opportunity. However, so many people tell me that by the time you do get to 50 you really know yourself and the opinions of other people just do not matter as much. Hopefully, that is true. To help that along, I have taken to meditating a lot, practicing beginners’ yoga and leaning into manifestation more than ever before. My goal right now is to really listen to my inner voice more, learn what I want and stop leaning towards what everyone else wants more than my own needs. As women, we tend to do that more often than we should.

What we wanted and who we were in our young adulthood may have drastically changed over time, I know I have. The super shy, insecure girl is still there inside, but now she has so much life experience that she has evolved into several shades of her former self. Being in tune with those changes will help guide me on the right path for my future.

Today I challenge you to just take some time, despite your crazy schedule, and just look inside. Start assessing who the woman you are today is and what you want out of this crazy thing called life.

Woman Meditating, Relaxing In Yoga Pose At Sunset, Zen Meditatio

Not Everyone Is Your Friend

Friends Chilling Out Enjoying Meal In Restaurant. Group Of Happy

How many people have ended a relationship or a marriage and lost friends in the process? Trust me, you are not alone. We have all been there. Some people do not bother to hear both sides of a situation before choosing sides and that is unfortunate. I guess some people do not take into account that one person could very well be embellishing or out and out lying to make themselves look more like the victim than the villain they may have really been.

Now you have a situation where friends choose to believe and cling to one while dismissing the other. Like all the time you spent with them, the laughter, tears and support of each other through the years just went out the window. Sometimes we must acknowledge that some people were just meant for a season of our lives, not the entirety of it. And as hard as it is to hear, some people were acquaintances, not friends.

My theory is always this, if the friendship really meant a lot to you. Make an honest effort to share your feelings with that person. But I wouldn’t beg them to believe me or my side of the story.  Some friendships are worth putting in the effort, some or not. Because sometimes, instead of fighting you can just chalk it up as a lesson learned. Now you know that person is only a friend in the sunshine, but not good for the storms of your life. Straighten your crown and keep moving forward like the Queen you are.

Have you ever ghosted a friend simply based on what their ex said about them? Without even hearing their side. Perhaps now is a good time to reach out, apologize and be a real friend. Before its too late, tomorrow is not promised.

Making a List and Checking It Twice

Top View Of Female Home Office With Copy Space In Center. Clipbo

I maintain not one, but two task lists daily. Don’t judge me. One for my job, the other for my personal goals. At the end of any given day, it’s normal to find the work list completed. However, the personal list will sometimes have several things left unchecked. Inevitably, the day goes by, I decide I am tired or stressed and those things can wait. So of course, those items move from day to day before I finally get them done. That is ridiculous!

Think of it this way. The items on my work list get done, because someone will hold me accountable in the hierarchy of my company. However, there is no one making sure the personal items get done. You know why? Because of the lack of accountability.

I realized something tonight, with all my business ventures, I am the boss. Meaning, I am the person that should be holding me accountable. If I had a staff and gave them a list of things to do, I would not be too happy about the items that they just casually put off day after day. So why am I accepting that behavior of myself? The bottom line is, I must start making the completion of items on that checklist just as important. Stop making excuses and start making progress. Otherwise, the truth of the matter is I am just putting my goals further and further off track and essentially saying they just are not that important.

Are you procrastinating things that are important to your personal goals? Perhaps its time you take a good hard look at how you prioritize the things on your list as well. If you ran out of time on this thing called life, would you really feel like you put in your all for the things you really wanted to accomplish?

How Are You?

Nervous African Woman Breathing Calming Down Trying To Relieve S

There is too much going on right now, we all know that. First, we were all quarantined in our homes for what seemed like forever. Then we were running around wearing masks and using hand sanitizer like lotion every five seconds. Of course, we are still juggling jobs, family and friend commitments as well. During it all we were suddenly fighting a Black Lives Movement with renewed vigor.

Now do not get me wrong, most of us have always been fighting racism in some form or fashion, from the moment we were born. For some reason now, it seems like everyone else sees what we have been trying to tell them our entire lives. But I digress.

In the middle of all this, I hope you are taking time to breathe. Yes, everything is important and needs our attention. But let us be honest, things pretty much always need our attention! With so much going on it is crucial that you are taking care of you. If you need to take a step back from the cause for a moment and focus on your emotional well-being, so be it. We get so caught up in trying to be everything for everyone that we sometimes forget our needs. Burning yourself out will solve nothing. Get the rest you need. Drink your water. Make sure you are handling your stress in healthy ways. Get some type of exercise. And just take a moment, to just be.

Drop a note and let me know what you are doing to take care of yourself right now. And don’t forget to follow me so that you get updates on new content immediately!

Fly!

It’s been one of those days. First, I did a thing. Then I started to let doubt and fear convince me it was a mistake and not the best idea. Not to mention all the hurdles and roadblocks along the way. I guess I’m rambling, so let’s back up a bit, shall we?

For some time now I have been overthinking the idea of starting a podcast. Some days the idea is strong and exciting, others I’m standing at the ledge without a parachute. Finally, I decide it’s now or nothing, there is too much that can happen if we keep putting off the things we want to do waiting for the perfect timing, perfect setup or just another perfect excuse to wait.

I researched all the things I would need for setup, picked a host, designed my graphics and made a trailer. Then the hard part, pushing the button. Of course, just as predicted that is when the roadblocks really came in. First, I had to try to figure out what I wanted to talk about for the first one and how I wanted it to flow. Then I sat down with the microphone and headphones and could not hear myself for anything. Tried test after test and my voice was just not coming through. I then tried logging into all the extremely complicated instruments my husband has in the home office. (He will swear its not complicated at all. Whatever!) Now I can’t figure out how to make it record in that system. Turns out I didn’t even have that mic turned on properly. Like I said complicated!

In the end, I ended up sitting in my bedroom closet with my phone and matching headphones. That’s right, my first ever podcast was recorded in the dang closet. But it was that or nothing. After going back and forth with the other systems the doubt was back. Who did I think I was to try to this? What authority, recognition or influence did I really have? Who is even going to listen? Since quitting was not an option, the closet it was.

Of course, once I was really done, I wanted feedback. You know how we ask for something we don’t really want?? Besides, those nerves were setting in again. My husband has decades of experience in radio so who better? He gave me the feedback that I asked for and I was ready to scrap the whole thing. Do it again. Start over. Try it on a different day maybe. But after thinking about it, I decided to push forward. It was my first time, its not going to be perfect. And honestly, I didn’t want to give myself yet another excuse to wait until tomorrow, next week or maybe never. As time goes on, I will get better and better, but my first time out of the gate I’m not going to sound like a master.

How often do we do this to ourselves and why? We start convincing ourselves that what we have to say wont matter. The sad truth is, it wont matter. Not if we don’t push ourselves out of those cocoons of self-doubt and do the things, all the things! Yep we might fail. We might fail massively. Or we might just spread our wings and fly.

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